Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Abducted


Today started like any other day, I got up and did yoga. After working out, I went and made myself a frosty glass of soda before heading upstairs to take a shower. I suddenly felt dizzy, and decided to lay down on the bed for a second. I came too on El-Ps living room floor covered by The Foot and a gang of his homies. I asked The Foot “what the fuck is going on here?” And The Foot replied “you really thought you couldn’t be touched?” I had no idea what was going on and was completely disoriented. Turns out that I had been footnapped. The Foot had drugged me, played with my pooper and shaved a patch out of my ass hair-while playing “damn it feels good to be a gangsta” by the Ghetto Boys. Needless to say I’m back in Brooklyn doing The Foots bidding and bowing to his every need. Never underestimate The Foot.

P.S.-You can’t see me but I’m under this pile of shoes.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

The IB72...


The I Bark 72 is the phone I recently purchased for my younger dog Buddy Magorris. It has the same plan as most other phones including unlimited nights and weekends. I've seen Buddy using the IB72 late at night, in my walk in closet which we commonly refer to as Buddy’s Apartment. Last night I couldn't sleep because his whispering and low end barks sounded more urgent than usual. I decided to lean against the door and eavesdrop when I heard Buddy howl, "Mini-Beast, this is bullshit". The following is what I could decipher of the conversation-

B- I don't give a cat’s ass if the house is a mess and El's starving, I need Dibbs here to take me outside and pick up my human size piles of dog love.

MB- Well, I can't put up with El's (inaudible) GOD DAMMIT! STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF AND THINK ABOUT THE BIGGER PICTURE YOU WANNA BE WEINER DOG!

B- WANNA BE? You got some nerve talking to me like this you fucking Catnip junkie, I AM 3 FEET LONG AND I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS, I AM A PURE BREED MAGORRIS, YOU ALLEY DWELLING, MOUSE FONDLING, LITTER BOX DANCING HALF-ASS EXCUSE FOR A FELINE. HAHAHAHAHA! YOU’RE A FUCKLINE!

MB- You’re a mutt, and I can see I'm going to need to take drastic steps to make this happen. I'm going to (inaudible) How about that?

B- Mutt? A fucking mutt? I have my AKC papers right here with me, droopy ears and slobber don't come easy my little housebound flytrap and if you think I'm (inaudible) Threats, then bring it on.

MB- Remember this, you asked for it lassie.

The conversation soon turned into a series of howls and hisses but, before I went back to bed I'm pretty sure I heard Mini-Beast mention The Foot. I don't know how Mini-Beast got Buddy’s number but, this whole situation seems to be more serious than I originally thought.

Monday, October 02, 2006

The Stash Called Me


So, today I received a long overdue call from the Stash. The Stash says it misses my wikki wik ways and finger wigglings and I in turn told the Stash I missed its fuzzy touch and how I used to find food in it for lunch. Soon after the Stash and I got off the phone I received a call from El-P's Foot. Now although I don't miss the Foot at all I thought it would be polite to tell the Foot I missed it too. The conversation went like this-

F- sup with you?
D- same old same...
F- I miss you Dibbs.
D- I miss you too?
F- No you don't, you hate me, I read about it in your fucking blog! Its all about the Stash and how sweet ass awesome it is. What does the Stash have that I don't you son of a bitch???
D- Huh?
F- You heard me fuck paste WHAT DOES THE STASH HAVE THAT I DON'T?
D- For starters the Stash never yells at me like you do, the Stash is kind and gentle and your an overbearing foot on my neck.
F- That's right smashed ass hairs and believe me I'm gonna be right back on your neck before you can say "poo poo dibble doo"
D- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

This is where the conversation ends, because Foot, being the self centered arrogant asshole it is, hung up on me. I later received a text message from the Foot warning me that it will be seeing me soon. I don't know what this means, but I'm a little shook up about the whole ordeal.

As a warning to the Foot (as I know it reads my blog) if I so much as sense one shoelace of your evil ass in Cincinnati I'm gonna make a call and your going to end up hanging from a power line.

Monday, September 18, 2006

El-P's Fucking Stash



So, this morning I woke up to Kevin Rowland force feeding me dexedrine and yelling "You will let me see the nugget ramp".
Needless to say, I was confused and after a quick knock to my head (thanks Kevin) I passed out.
When I came to El was yelling about me disrespecting what he calls "my sweet-ass awesome stash mother fucker" and that if I don't show it more respect I'm out of here. I then managed to snap this flick of El's "Sweet-ass awesome stash" before I was forced to tounge scrub the litter box.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

El returns From Ohio


So, for 2 1/2 days El was in Ohio on some business shit and I had the house all to myself. So, I figured while El was gone I'd live it up and have a good time and try to relax but, after El hit the ground in Ohio he started calling and yelling at me. Here's my list of insults/things I had to do/hear while he was gone.

1-Handwash his underwear.
2-Siphon bodily fluids out of his hot tub.
3-Shave myself from head to toe except for my eyebrows.
4-Shut up.
6-Help Mini-Beast (his cat) get out of heat.
7-Keep his foot on my neck (and This dirty sock) no matter what.

I did manage to have some fun however. Esplanade showed up on Friday and we...

1-Played a show together at a gallery/bar and killed it. (DibbsPlanade Style)
2-Pooped in El's bed then frolicked in it.
3-Ate all the cat litter while high on wood chips and god sauce.
4-Found out Mini-beast speaks 4 languages and can actually fly when she's drunk
5-Filled the hot tub w/vodka to see if El will get drunk when he soaks in it.
6-Had the living members of Dexys Midnight Runners come through and play on El's record then ghost Write all the songs/lyrics he had left to do. (more on this later)

...................

Shit...
El just called and he's like 3 minutes away from the house and I have to be outside, drunk & oiled up when I pay for his cab so I'll get back to this tomorrow.

Dibbs